ONLINE DATING form:
- Name: Chantal S.
- Screen name: AppleJack (“If they don’t know about My Little Pony, they’re probably not a good fit”)
- Age: 42
- Status: Separated/Divorced
- Religion: None
- Kids: 1
- Education: University
- Height: 5’8″ (“If I stand on my very tippy toes… all the time!”)
- Weight: 135 lbs (“if you lop off my boobs and my butt… and a little belly too”)
- Interests: Reading, writing, movies… (“If I add ‘moonlit walks on the beach’, I’ll officially become a cliche!”)
- What am I looking for: Man, 40-50 age range. Prefer someone with kids. Funny is good. Smart. A reader would be best. If you can sing “Let it Go”, you’re in!
- What I am not looking for: A health nut (“Wine is a food group in my world”); an exercise nut (“I don’t do jumping jacks. Ever. And what the hell is a burpee?”); anyone with ultra-conservative, right wing religious or misogynistic tendencies? (“Too far?”)
- Upload picture: (“Oh. My. God.”)
Submit form? Y/N
The first thing I wondered as my mouse hovered over the Y was ‘what if no one answers me? How embarrassing?’. Then I wondered ‘what if they DO? what if they turn out to be a freak? what if they are weird? what if they think I’m weird? or gross?’
I have been out of the world of dating for such a long time and even when I was in it, way back when I was thin and childless, I was not very good at it. So imagining how this was going to go now, when I am way less thin and have a 5 year old in my life was so very hard to envision.
I hit Y.
And then I closed my laptop and tried to forget about it.
1:30 am: I had to take a peek to see if anyone ‘mailed me’ on the site.
Subject Line: ‘Hi! I’m lonely and looking for love’
Subject Line: “Hi AppleJack. What are you up to tonight?”
Booty call or just bored at 2 a.m.?
Didn’t delete but was not sure what to answer. Didn’t want to look eager.
Subject Line: “Hi! Welcome to the club.”
I opened the mail and the first line: “How old is your kid? I don’t have any but I LOVE My Little Pony! I totally got that reference! Did you hear about the ‘brony’ convention last year? I was there. I was dressed like Rainbow Dash, wings and all. Were you?”
Delete profile. Delete. Delete. Delete.
This is going to be harder than I thought.