As if it were my last. At least where my daughter is concerned, anyway.
I’m not going to die, or not imminently anyway, but so much has happened in the world of late that makes me want to both cherish every moment with her and hide under the comforter on my bed.
Sandy Hook. That’s just too awful to even describe how I felt when I heard about that and I didn’t even live it directly. There is nothing I can add to the hideousness that happened in that tiny town to make it better or different, so I won’t even try.
Then, a friend of a friend lost her daughter at Christmas – they thought she had the flu. The little girl went to bed one night and never woke up. They still don’t know what happened, exactly.
How do these things happen? How do people go on? How do you not end up sitting in a room screaming at the injustice?
So when my daughter, who just turned four, started climbing in to bed with me in the middle of the night a few nights ago, I changed my tune. The old me would have marched her back to her own bed, read her a story and turned out the light. This me decided I didn’t care and last night, she held my finger most of the night. I cried in to my pillow for every time I had yelled at her needlessly, knowing that I would do it again, that stress and life would get in the way of forethought.
I have been battling a feeling lately, something like prescience: I feel like something is bearing down on me and that I have to run fast to make sure that we land safely on the other side of whatever chasm is yawning open in front of us. That’s not a good thing, is it? It’s nothing tangible, but it’s there, hovering, biding its time… whatever ‘it’ is.
I hope I’m wrong. I hope that my mind is just overwhelmed by the total juxtaposition of the things I have borne witness to of late. All the sadness I noted above up against the joy of my daughter turning four and, two days later, embracing all that is merry and wonderful about Christmas and Santa Clause. It’s odd to be so happy and complete on the one hand and so completely shattered, on the other. It’s just too extreme and it’s exhausting.
So I’m not even going to bother with the word resolution this new year.
I’m just going to hope for some balance. For all of us.