I love you so much.
When I am away from you, I fret that I am missing something, that you miss me, that you will resent my time away from you. Worrying that you might get hurt or someone might be mean to you and I am not there to kiss your booboos, both physical and emotional.
I love our time together but I’ve discovered that too much of my self worth is wrapped up in your happiness.
Too much of me is about you and I am finding less and less of me in the every day things I do.
I’ve never found much worth in my career to date either, which leaves me where?
Having you has been the most important and fulfilling thing that I have ever done. Rewarding, frustrating and sticky, all at the same time.
But you can’t be my everything. And you shouldn’t have to take on that role, the burden of being my everything. A burden too great for tiny shoulders to bear.
As Wystan Hugh Auden wrote:
“He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;”
You are all of these things to me.
Yet, I have to find the path to more.
I have to find ways to be happy that don’t include you because one day you will grow up and you won’t need me as much. You’ll go on to do great things and be the extraordinary person that you are already shaping up to be. And you will leave. As you should.
But when you do, what becomes of me?
I have to find a path to me.
So I will be here, always and forever, for you.
And I will be better at being here for you when I find me.